People say there is no love like that of a mother and her sons.
I hope this is true. I am the Mother of 3 sons but sometimes I feel like I am an alien in this world of males as I try to do the right thing.
I sit here having just been told by my eldest that he is thinking about visiting the "grandparents" he hasn't seen for many year. I suppose I always knew this day would happen.
Like the day he made contact with his half sister again (she is a wonderful, kind girl whose mum has done an amazing job bringing her up alone) but my heart hurts. He doesn't have any idea of what I went through when he was a baby, nor should he, that's my job as a good mother right ?
How I had no one to turn to when life and family let me down.
How these "grandparents" refused to help me with just half a day's childcare as I battled as a single parent to find a home, a job and security for my baby boy, even though his half sister and her cousin were regularly looked after by them , taken on day trips and holidays. But no room for the grandson,
"No can't help with childcare, no sorry ".
I was made even stronger by this, I knew I would never stay with their son, his violent outbursts, anger and the fear. Not for my child thank you very much. I moved on, worked hard, left my son crying at the gate in nurseries all day, every day while I built a better life for us.
And I did.
I worked and worked, went home at night with my son, for many years never going out, never leaving him with baby sitters. He was too precious to me, I never wanted him to worry, to feel alone like I did. I talked to him and answered all his questions, showing him the world, taking him on holidays, teaching him to be kind and good and strong. To work hard, to not expect anything from anyone else. Go and get it for yourself. Don't hurt others, but stand up for yourself. Be a good man. With no help from the "grandparents" with no contact from his father, no financial support. We were a team. It was me he came to when he was hurt, it was me who hugged away his fears, taught him everything, who nursed him when he lay seriously ill in hospital, when he cried. IT WAS ME.
So now I sit here in my bedroom
Whilst he is downstairs with the other woman who has taken my place, who he listens to, who he hugs and kisses all the time
Not many for me these days, nope sorry,
I've moved on mum I have a new love in my life now
and now another fear
that he will go and see these "grandparents" he hasn't seen since he was small and they will steal his heart, that he will think that I was wrong, that I took him away from them, his father, their family.
Because I always seem to be wrong in his eyes these days
I don't feel I am the mum he wants me to be, that I have let him down, failed him.
He sees me through adult eyes with all my failings, faults and insecurities. That he doesn't like what he sees.
I am no longer his hero.
and I am loosing him......